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GOVERNMENTIUM - A NEW ADDITION TO THE PERIODIC TABLE
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312, although often expanded to 116,345 when Quangonium formations are taken into consideration.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
When Governmentium comes into contact with oxygen and sulphur compounds we arrive at the formula Gv2SO4, however when this compound heats up, a certain pungent odour emits which has been represented as GvFO.
ANECDOTES
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
AN INVESTMENT BANK
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your
bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
GORDON BROWN
You sell both cows while market prices are the lowest ever then later borrow money to buy a new cow.
You have this cow milked and give the milk away. You pay the interest on the loan with which you bought the cow by taxing people who didn't get any milk from it.
When the cow dies you borrow more money and give it to your home secretary who buys a bull and wonders why she can't get any milk from it.
Answering questions about this in parliament you claim that it's been the longest period of sustained economic milking since cows had scales and anything that has gone wrong is because the tories wouldn't even know where the starting handle goes in a cow to great amusement that he doesn't understand at all.
Telegraph.co.uk: Matthew Elliott: Business expertise is sorely lacking in Whitehall
It is often said that Government should behave more like business. Despite the shudders in some Whitehall quarters at the idea of private enterprise, in reality politics and business management have a lot in common. Once an election campaign is over, the work of government is in a way the management of the biggest business of all.
Many of the problems facing government today stem from a lack of good business practice. Irrespective of party, policy or popularity, politicians often lack the fundamentals necessary to manage a large organisation well.
This was made startlingly clear in the TaxPayers' Alliance recent survey of FTSE 100 Chief Executives. The thirty-two CEOs who responded stressed the importance of experience, both in the relevant sector and of senior management, and a minimum tenure of three to five years to properly get to grips with the task.
The comparison between the opinions of successful business figures and the grim reality in Government is stark. Only one in seven MPs have senior management experience, and that figure drops to zero in the Cabinet. Worse, Government departments have become sprawling conglomerates that would be almost unmanageable for the most experienced executive.
As well as being inexperienced, and faced with near unmanageable departments, few Ministers or civil servants are in post long enough to manage effectively.
The average tenure for a senior civil servant is only two years and eight months, two years for a cabinet minister and a brief twenty months for junior ministers - far less than the three to five years demanded by the CEOs.
Management in these circumstances is bound to be poor. However, unlike a normal business, where customers can go elsewhere, this poor management means bad government, with higher taxes and failing public services.
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English - Thank a soldier!
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